Amsterdam

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Amsterdam

To inexperienced readers, it may appear as a very dubious advantage to find that one's pension is decreasing by 10% every quarter.

Having taught mathematics to youngsters, I now have to solve the problem, knowing that I did not have enough this quarter to balance the accounts, that next quarter I will have 10% less (thank you Mr President), that prices will increase by 1%, how long can I survive?

The consequences are unexpected.

You would think that the normal reaction is to stop spending. Stop everything.

A more reasonable approach is to say, "oh what the hell, and take advantage of everything which is cheap".

This is how Annie and I have traveled twice to London in the wrong season, using these discount tickets offered by the Hyper Market, the trip costing roughly what I would have paid for one hotel room if I had booked it myself.

I also have to admit my fascination with the TGV (any body who does not know what the TGV is, raise your hand, possibly the smart lady at the end of the row, yes, well the TGV is the Very Fast Train which is installed in France, was to be exported all over the World, and remained in France. Running speed is more than 300km/hour (200 miles/hour).

When you travel the Northern line, it is so strange to see all the vehicles creeping in slow motion on the Motorway at a miserable 130km/hour, well they do 130 km/hour when they can overtake a lorry, which is very seldom.

One is also full of admiration for the SNCF (the State Owned Railway Authority) which used historical research in all the torture methods presented in the paintings of the 12th and 13th century and having learned from that designed the seats which are guarantied to give you a most urgent and sincere wish to leave the train.

Having in one year traveled twice to London and both time coming back wondering why we feel more at home in London than we do in France, we tried a longer tip this time (instead of 2 hours and 30 minutes to London, the trip to Amsterdam takes 4 hours) the reasons being that once you have passed the French Belgian border, the train has to follow the pig shuffler, a man whose job is to booooo! the pigs off the railway. It tends to decrease the average speed.

We left Gare du Nord at 13 hours, thanks to careful planning I was convinced that the train was leaving at twelve, so we had one hour to waste in a Part of Paris where the pickpockets are so numerous that to have anything to do and not freeze to death, they have to pickpocket one another. As the mode is to rucksacks, even a 5 minutes introduction course into the art of pickpocket is enough to insure you a comfortable revenue.

For reasons unknown to us, it does not matter which seat you buy in the train, it is always at the end of the train, and considering that the trains are doubled, it means that you have to walk on kilometer (one kilometer is what remains of one mile if you put it into a washing machine at an excessive temperature).

This being France, the fact that you seat is reserved does not prevent passengers pushing and banging one another to get to their seats faster. In the good old days they would all have started smoking, now they cannot do it so instead they cell-phone. One day, should you be interested I will tell you about the marital life of the man sitting in front of me and the gynecological problems of the woman sitting the row behind.

France was beautiful, one of these winter days when the sun is low and light is beautiful anyway you look at it (The readers realize that I am paid 10 cents by the French Tourist Board every time I manage to get that sentence into the script). I wonder whether one should sit down in the seat and unfold the English paper you have bought at Gare du Nord. By the time you have lost the 10 supplements under the seat and convinced the lady sitting there that you are not trying to grab her legs, you already arrive in Brussels.

You know that you arrive in Belgium as the pig perfume invades the train. What en enriching perfume; I wonder whether I could not supplement my falling revenues by issuing a brand of parfume which I would name Peat Pig, guarantied to have matured 12 years in Scotland?

One in Belgium we crossed a storm (the Belgians call that mild good weather) then we came into the sunshine of the Netherlands, OK, we are amongst friends, let us call it Hollander. Suddenly it appears that we are in cow paradise, they are roaming in the fields the way they used to do in the good old days. As you know the Dutch do not accept curtains on the windows as curtains are a sure sign that you have a thing to hide, and Duch also are convinced that the nearer they build their house to the railway, the better they are situated, as a results you are either traveling at the level of the dining room or at the level of the bedroom. Depending on the hour you are traveling, the show is different, it all depends on what you are interested in.

You must all be familiar with the good relationships between Rotterdam and Amsterdam. In Rotterdam we had a beautiful sunshine, by the time we arrived in Amsterdam, we had hail, slippery ways, dark sky, wet walkers.

As the experienced travelers we immediately walked over to the tourist bureau; The score was 3-0. What score do you mean? Well, the Dutch are very fond of Tramways, but they have saved a bit of money by not showing any way to cross over to the other side, so three tramways tried to kill us. If they miss, they bang the bell. I do not know what they do it they succeed;

It was five o'clock, a very reasonable time to arrive at a tourist Bureau which must be open until late in the night. This was late in the night, the tourist bureau was closed.We still managed to buy a travel pass at a nearby shop were we were reminded of one of the major laws of Hollande:

<< any citizen caught smiling will be immediately imprisoned for lewd behavior harming the reputation of the Kingdom>>

We needed a pass, even if the metro network is not too complicated to understand as there is only one metro line. What does it say about my mental power when I admit that I managed to get into the wrong metro?

If you do not have a pass you have to buy group tickets. They are very easy to use. They look like a bull tongue, they are divided in sections, you fold the first section over the fourth section, then you double fold, thereby making ticket two extrude, then you push it into the punching machine, they you wait for a click, then you repeat the process for your wife, but this time the bull tongue is to be folded to position six. Do you want to try it?

Having got into the hotel, looked at the room price (astonishing how some people pay for a night what I pay for a week), having had a meal, we went to sleep.

Breakfast is up to Dutch standards; it is rumored that some people manage to have another meal that day, really, I cannot see how they do it. You are are so full of food that your only wish is to go back to bed and sleep it out. It reminded me of the error I made as a student at the College in Sweden, the meal was "serve yourself" meal, as a result, I have no recollection whatsoever of the lectures given in the afternoon.

Now please sit in a safe seat, I am going to reveal the awful truth!

As from now you have to raise and look at the screen upside out, as the Dutch have decided that Amsterdam is to be totally excavated and rebuilt.

This, please consider it as a normal view of a normal Amsterdam. if you need further help to titillate your imagination, try to think of 5th Avenue looking like this.

Then I have good news for you, you can limit your knowledge of Dutch to one sentence;

<< closed due to repairs>>

This might be the reason why so many of them are out in the street. I fyou look carefully, in the Centre, you can see Annie, she is the lady having the left foot of the black man in her mouth.

When you see the poverty and shabbiness, you wonder whether it was worth leaving Paris and Gare du Nord where we can do at least as well, probably shabbier.

At lest Amsterdam has converted me to a car lover and a bike hater; As you are walking peacefully, being a full time tourist you are insulted in long well balanced Dutch sentences by Dutch bicyclers, because, unknowingly, you are walking on the cycling lane. It would have been a lesser crime to try and assassinate the Royal family.

In the drizzle, between the hail storms, you can still see what remains of Amsterdam's poscards views.

Speaking of tourists, I must admit that me made them laugh twice. Once when we asked whether the map was for free (something for free in the Netherlands!!! they would rather die defending it than die of shame) and when we tried to buy stamps without buying the postcards. A totally impossible task.

And one night we returned to France

Last time we came back we discover that the RER (Express Metro) was closed, no reason given why, that the busses were gone, that the Taxi station was empty and when we managed to get to our local railway, it stopped one station before our station and be had to be bussed to our village visiting at one o'clock the region, the buss for reasons of comfort having seats without rest for the back. Thank you SNCF for the service.

This time we discovered at the Ibis Hotel nearby the Gare du Nord that they had never heard of us, never heard of our reservation, that they were fully booked. The advantage of looking old and decrepit is that the lady found us a room in a nearby hotel

But why do they call it holidays?